Mission Statement
SANDS (Qld) Inc. provides mutual support, information, education and advocacy for parents and their families who experience the death of their baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death and other reproductive losses.
Your Grief
Approximately 540 babies die each year in Queensland from causes related to stillbirth and neonatal death. A further 20,000 from causes related to miscarriage.
Remember that you are not alone in your grief journey, others have walked a similar path.
A Mother's Grief
"When Caitlin died I thought the grief would drive me crazy. I felt out of control." Anna, 33.
"Other women had babies who lived, why couldn't I?" Jackie, 28
"I lost my baby when I was 13 weeks pregnant - I didn't think that I should feel the same grief as a Mum who lost a baby at full term but I was devastated." Liz, 29
"My only baby died, am I still a mum?" Irene, 35
These are just some of the comments from the heart that some Mums have made. No mother expects her baby to die and the shock can be almost overwhelming. There are no road maps for your grief journey – each person travels their own road individually. However, there are some common threads that people share when they experience the death of their baby.
Anger, guilt, denial, shock are some of the emotions felt by parents at different stages in their grief journey.
Grief is a very physical experience. Mothers often talk about having a very heavy feeling in their chest, aching arms, disrupted sleep, insomnia, fatigue, sighing. Many mothers have questions that there is often no answer for – Why me? Why my baby? What did I do to cause this to happen?
Some
mothers expect that they will walk their grief journey with their partner and
have the same experience of grief. The reality is that men and women do everything
in life differently. Men think differently and they act differently to women.
Their response to the death of their baby will be different also.
Women can
sometimes feel that their partner has forgotten about their baby, that he has
gotten on with life. They haven't forgotten - this is just the way that men deal
with their grief. Men are typically problem solvers, providers. This is one time
that they will have no solution so they may need to get back into work to give
them some framework for their life.
The pain of grief is there – the
expression of grief is different.
You, as a woman may need to explain to your partner that you express your grief in different ways to him. Women often need to talk a lot, to tell the story of their baby. Women often shed more tears, and appear to suffer longer.
Another baby
Some mother's thoughts turn to planning a subsequent pregnancy after their baby has died. This time of thought and planning as well as the pregnancy can be fraught with anxiety and stress. It can be a very big emotional investment to plan a subsequent pregnancy.
Some professionals recommend that parents wait at least a few months before embarking on another pregnancy. Waiting gives parents the opportunity to start grieving the baby who has died, to recover physically and to ensure that the subsequent baby's birth is not timed to coincide with the anniversary of the baby who died.
There are other issues to consider when planning another pregnancy such as work, spacing between children, age of parents.
Because the loss of a baby is not often discussed in our society, many mothers find comfort in meeting other SANDS mothers in a comfortable environment such as a support meeting or by visiting the SANDS house. Support meetings are held in Brisbane at the SANDS house, and in member's homes throughout the state.
Some mothers find that reading is a great source of comfort at any time after the death of their baby. SANDS has an extensive library and many of the titles will not be readily available in bookstores. Some of the topics covered include grief and loss, infertility, subsequent pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth.
Books available:
When the Dream is Shattered - by Judith Murray
Always a Part of Me - by Amanda Collinge, Sue Daniel, Heather Grace Jones
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart - by Deborah L Davis
Empty Arms - by Sherokee Ilse
A Father's Grief
"I was just getting used to the idea of having a child and then the baby was gone." Jack, 28
"I couldn't believe how much it hurt to look at my tiny son knowing he would never open his eyes." Michael, 33
"I felt so totally helpless and useless, there was nothing I could do. Normally I had all the answers, this time I didn't." Joe, 24
These comments are from bereaved fathers. Experiencing the death of a baby is a tragedy that no father should have to experience. It goes against the law of nature to be planning a funeral or a memorial service for your baby.
Men and women are very different and they experience the loss of their baby very differently. Some couples think that their grief journey will be the same as their partners; that they will go through the same emotions at the same time. No two people will ever have exactly the same experience of grief.
Many men find it difficult to deal with their own grief and also have to deal with their partners' grief as well. It can be very difficult to watch someone you love crying and not be able to stop the tears. Some fathers find that they too cry and it can feel uncomfortable especially if you have been told all your life that ‘big boys don't cry'. Crying is a natural expression of grief and is a measure of strength not weakness.
Some fathers may find that it seems that their partner talks of nothing else but the baby who has died and may have difficulty coming to terms with her expressions of grief. Women often have an intense need to talk often of their baby – it doesn't mean that she is not dealing with her grief; that she is unable to move on – it is just the way many mothers process their grief.
Some people may ask how your partner is going forgetting that it was your baby too who has died. Many fathers find that people will talk openly with their partner about the death of their baby and ignore them! Some people may feel uncomfortable talking about your baby with you and you may have to help them out by starting the conversation. Having someone other than your partner to talk to may ease the sense of isolation you may feel.
Grief is a very physical experience and can be hard work. It is not uncommon for bereaved fathers to feel exhausted. It is vital that you look after yourself at this time by eating properly, getting some exercise and trying to have regular sleep.
Another pregnancy
You may feel a mixture of emotions at the thought of another pregnancy. Some parents feel anxious and stressed and some fathers are not always happy for their partner to be going through another pregnancy. It is normal to feel joy, happiness and anxiety at the same time.
On a monthly basis, night support meetings and coffee mornings are held in Brisbane at the SANDS house and in member's homes throughout Queensland. These are informal gatherings of parents to support other parents.
Many fathers have found support by accessing the SANDS library. There are a number of books available covering topics such as Men and grief, infertility, subsequent pregnancy, loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death etc. The library can be accessed by mail or by visiting the SANDS House in New Farm.
Books available:
Healing a Fathers Grief - by William Schatz
Grief Therapy for Men - by Linus Mundy
Miscarriage A Man's Book - by Rick Wheat
When Men Grieve - by Elizabeth Levang
The Grief of Children
Children have feelings too and will need support in their grief journey.
"I held my little brother and went to his funeral. It was really sad. I wanted a brother to play with." Nathan, 6
"It was heartbreaking to tell our other children that their baby had died." Jane, 30
"I was totally unprepared for the amount of grief my children showed they were really, really upset." James, 37
"I wrote a poem for my sister and put it in her coffin. She looked cute." Sarah, 11
The death of a sibling can have a profound affect on surviving and subsequent siblings. No matter how much we would like to shelter our children from pain, they can feel the emotions around them and will put their own interpretation on them. The best way to support your children when their sibling has died is to be honest with them.
Children will react and respond in different ways to the death of their sibling depending on a number of factors including their age, the age of the baby who has died, the circumstances of your baby's death.
Grief is a very physical experience and many parents find parenting their surviving children very difficult in the early stages of grief. On the one hand you may find yourself anxious about their safety and want them very close and on the other hand you may find yourself distant from your children, that you don't have the energy to be involved with them. These feelings are very normal and can be temporary as you deal with the overwhelming grief you are experiencing.
Your children may be reluctant to visit you in hospital. They may find it frightening to see you in such a different environment. You may find that you are protective of them and may feel that they won't be able to cope with meeting their sibling. If children are given honest explanations and know what to expect they will manage many things that adults would find difficulty with. This baby is a part of your family and it is important for their understanding now and in the future that they be part of the whole picture.
You may like to ask someone to take photos of the whole family with your baby, to take a video. It will be important to allow your children time to see and hold their brother or sister. You might also like to take your baby home so that the whole family can be in a more natural environment. Your children can also be involved with the funeral or memorial service. This activity may allow them an outlet for their feelings and they may feel they are doing something useful and constructive for their sibling.
As your children grow and mature they may need further explanations and information concerning their sibling. Some parents may be concerned about the questions and the need for further information and may feel that their child is going through the grieving process all over again but this is just a natural process for children.
Dos and Don'ts
Don't use euphemisms such as ‘your brother went to sleep', ‘God took your sister - They may develop a fear of going to sleep and may think that God will take you also.
Use simple truthful explanations – the older the child the more information they may require. Use appropriate words such as dead and died.
Do explain to them what is happening around them and what will happen in the immediate future. Children may need a great deal of reassurance when it seems their whole world has come apart.
Don't be afraid to let them see you cry. Children need to know that you love and miss their sibling. If they see you express your emotions they can feel that it is okay for them to do the same.
The SANDS library has a number of books surrounding the death of a child or loved one. Some of these are storybooks to read to children of various ages whilst others are books for caregivers to assist children with their grief journey. The library can be accessed by visiting the SANDS office at New Farm or by mail.
Books available:
What's dead mean? - by Doris Zagdanski
Am I still a sister? - by Alicia Sims
Helping children cope with death - by The Dougy Centre
I know I made it happen - by Lynn Bennett Blackburn.
Frequently Asked Questions
"When will I feel normal again?" (Or when will this pain go away?)
After the experience of the death of their baby some parents find that their perceptions of many aspects of their life have changed - there is no normal anymore - normal becomes a setting on a dryer.
There is no time line with grief - you cannot shorten or lengthen your grief journey. Most parents find that after a period of time they may be able to laugh a little without feeling guilty, may feel a lightening of the burden of their grief. This is a gradual process a little like layers lifting one by one.
Books available:
When the Dream is Shattered - by Murray
Always a Part of Me - by Collinge, Daniel, Grace
"When should we try to fall pregnant again?
The decision on whether or not and when to attempt another pregnancy is a very personal one. Only you and your partner can make that decision. Many parents find that family and friends apply pressure to try for another pregnancy thinking that a new pregnancy will take away the pain. There are however, some things to keep in mind when making a decision-
- Your emotional health and the emotional health of your partner and surviving children if you have them.
- Physical health
- Ensuring that the subsequent baby is not due on the anniversary of the baby who died.
- Many parents find that they cannot be happy and sad at the same time and if they are still early in their grief journey may find the pregnancy emotionally difficult.
- Acknowledge that there may be a degree of anxiety and worry with the pregnancy
- It is perfectly okay to wait, even a short time to grieve for your baby who has died.
- Having another baby is not a guarantee to take away your pain.
Books available:
Trying Again - by Douglas and Sussman
Pregnancy after Loss - by Warland
"How much should our other children be involved?"
Most children, even very young children will be involved with your pregnancy and may be looking forward to the arrival of a new baby. When their sibling dies they will have questions they need answers for and they will grieve in their own way. Many adults do not understand that children grieve in a way that reflects their age. Being involved with the funeral or memorial service, seeing and holding their sibling, having photos taken with their baby will assist them in their own grief and can help the whole family feel included.
When children ask questions and are given compassionate, logical explanations for what has happened to their sibling they often manage very well. It is wise to avoid telling them things such as:
- Your baby brother/sister is sleeping
- God took our baby to heaven
- The angels came down and took our baby to heaven
- The hospital took the baby
All of these explanations could cause anxiety and confusion with a child. Simple, honest answers work best. Ensure that grandparents and other family members use the same explanations that you do to avoid confusion.
Books available:
What's dead mean? - by Zagdanski
A Child's book about Death - by Grollman
"My friends and family say I need counselling - should I go to counselling?"
SANDS as an organisation does not provide counselling - we provide mutual support. Many parents find that associating with other bereaved parents, sharing their baby's story, reading the newsletter and library books and being supported by other parents is what they need on their grief journey.
Other parents find that they may need additional support in the form of professional help. SANDS parents provide names of counsellors, psychiatrists, family therapists they have found helpful and we can refer you to these people. You can obtain these details by phoning the SANDS office during work hours on 07 3254 3422. These names are for the Brisbane area.
When choosing a professional, ask other people for their recommendations and ensure that the person is reputable.
Family and friends may find watching the raw and powerful grief that parents experience after their baby dies very confronting and frightening. For that reason they may suggest counselling. You may need to reassure them that the emotions you are feeling are a normal responses to grief and loss.
Books available:
Now that the funeral is over - by Zagdanski
Coping with Grief - by McKissock
Creating Memories
There are many ways to create memories of your baby. Memory creation can be done at any time after your baby is buried or a memorial service held. We have listed different things that parents have done but the list is limited only to your imagination
Some parents may feel that if their baby has died very early in pregnancy they may not be able to create any memories but some of the things listed below can be used to create meaningful memories.
- Handprints and footprints - many hospitals do these as a matter of course but they can be done in different ink - gold for example. Once your babies hand prints and footprints have been taken you can then have them embroidered and framed. If you have a multiple pregnancy ensure that both babies handprints and footprints are taken.
- Plaster casts - some parents choose to have plaster casts taken of their babies' hands and feet. These can then be framed.
- Photos - it is very important to have photographs of your baby for the future. Ensure that photos are taken of all family members, of your baby being nursed, undressed, having a bath. There is also the option of asking a professional photographer to take photos for you.
- Your photo album may also contain ultra sound pictures, appointment cards, nametag from the hospital, cards received, a copy of the funeral or memorial service. You may like to write about who your baby resembled, how it felt to hold your baby.
- Video footage - some parents have gained much comfort from having film of their baby. Other parents have asked friends or family to film the funeral or memorial service
- Tattoos - tiny hand prints or footprints above the heart are very popular. Other parents will have their baby's name tattooed. One mum had a butterfly tattooed on her right side where she felt her baby move the most.
- Candles - you can decorate your own or purchase a candle that is already decorated. Some parents will light these candles on special days such as anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas
- Portrait - many parents have found that having a charcoal or pastel sketch of their baby is a lovely tribute. They have also found that sometimes a sketch is less confronting for other people than photos.
- Plants - planting a special flower or tree may have significance for your family. The flower of the month of your baby's birth may have meaning for you. If you baby died very early in pregnancy you may consider burying your baby in a large pot plant or in your garden. You may also like to send family and friends packets of flower seeds for them to plant
- Writing the story of your baby - you may like to ask family and friends to contribute with their perceptions about your pregnancy and what it was like to meet your baby.
- You may like to submit your story to the SANDS newsletter. Other bereaved parents very often find comfort in reading the stories printed in the newsletter.
- Scrap booking - many parents have found scrap booking to be very therapeutic and may absorb some of the energy generated by their grief.
- Music or poetry - some parents have found that they are able to express themselves through writing poetry or music even if they have never written anything prior to the death of their baby.
- Draw, paint or sculpture with colours, textures and materials that reflect your feelings about your baby. You may make a special container for your baby's ashes
- Jewellery - some parents purchase a piece of jewellery or have something made perhaps with the birthstone relevant to their baby. Lockets for photos and hair are also an option. A charm bracelet or a money clip with an engraving on it could be considered.
- Decorating your baby's grave. Some parents use balloons, windsock, toys, flowers, and pinwheels.
- Use a special symbol, sticker or rubber stamp as your baby's 'signature' on stationery such as Christmas cards.
- Some parents have done a special cross-stitch or other needlework - wall hanging, prayer cushion.
- Decorate a shirt or blanket that you can wear or use when you need to be comforted or feel close to your baby.
- At Christmas time you might like to make or purchase a special ornament or stocking to be hung on the tree.
- If someone was making something special for your baby they may feel awkward about giving it to you. They may feel it will only cause you more pain so you may have to reassure them that you value the item as it was specially made for that baby.
Family and Friends
A Tragic Time
Your family or friends have experienced the death of their baby. Whether their baby died from causes relating to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or interruption of pregnancy for an abnormality they will experience a wide range of emotions that they may find frightening and confusing. They may feel lost, alone, isolated, angry, guilty, worthless, cheated. These emotions can be almost overwhelming but are a normal part of their grief journey.
They will need your understanding and support over the next year or more as they go through their journey of grief. The behaviour and emotions they express may not seem rational or logical to you but will be legitimate to them. It may seem that they have become different people but be reassured that they are grieving in their own way.
Special Days
Whilst time may help heal the hurt they are feeling now, it will not erase the memories of their baby. Important times such as Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries will always be bittersweet for bereaved parents. The first time they celebrate these days can be very difficult for them and a phone call or card to say that you are remembering their baby will mean a great deal to the parents. Bereaved parents do not ever forget their babies - they are part of their family and at different times in the parents lives they may feel some of the pain of their loss again.
Subsequent Baby
Having another baby will not take away the hurt of the bereaved parents. Many families and friends expect that once the couple are pregnant again that all will be well and the same expectations may exist when the couple have a healthy baby. The reality is that the couple may feel a resurgence of the grief they originally felt. Don't dismiss their fears by telling them it will be fine this time or not to worry. Support them by listening to their fears and talk about how they can lessen their anxiety. They have experienced first hand the fact that some babies die and they may be very anxious during their pregnancy and while their baby is young.
Dos and Don'ts
Please do -
- Use the baby's name when talking with the parents. The sweetest sound to them is the sound of their baby's name and they will understand that you see their baby as an individual
- Offer to help with meal preparation, babysitting, house cleaning. Don't expect them to respond to a general offer of 'let me know if you want anything'. The parents may not initially accept your offer so don't be offended and offer at another time. If they do accept, please don't take over.
- Lend them your ear to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Many parents need to revisit their baby's' death many times and it is important that they have someone who cares to talk to.
- Feel open about expressing your feelings about their baby. Parents need to know that the death of their baby has affected you also.
- Accept their feelings regardless of whether or not they seem rational to you. Parents need to know that there is someone they can talk to without having to rationalise their feelings or feeling they will be judged.
- Allow them to express feelings of guilt, anger and blame. These feelings can be a normal part of grief and may be difficult to work through if others do not accept them.
- Remember the father, he too is grieving but is often overlooked by people. He may have difficulty expressing his emotions and may feel he has to be strong for his family. Give him permission to grieve and ask him how he is going.
- Remember important days - birthday, anniversary, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, and Christmas. On these special days the parents may need extra support and comfort. You may like to send a card, make a phone call, donate money to a charity in memory of their baby. Acknowledging their baby ensures that the parents know that their baby lives on in the hearts of others.
Please don't -
- Use clichés like "You can have another baby' "At least you already have children" "It's for the best" "It was God's will" These comments deny the life and individuality of their baby and are very cruel comments.
- Say I know how you feel. Unless you also have lost a baby you will have no idea how they are feeling. If you have experienced a similar loss you still won't know exactly how they feel as everyone is so different.
- Judge their feelings. Bereaved parents have enough to cope with without having to justify their feelings and reactions. They need to know that you accept them as they are.
- Avoid the subject. Don't feel that by talking about the baby you will upset them. They are already upset and you have allowed them to express their pain. Tears will probably be shed - their baby will be constantly on their mind but it is okay for them to cry and for you to cry with them.
- Offer to put away the baby's things. This is something most parents will want and need to do themselves when they feel ready. There is no rush to do this and it is part of saying goodbye.
Remember that these parents have been through a shattering and life-changing event - they do not need to cope. That is your job on their behalf. Remember also that "normal" is just the setting on your dryer and not an indication of how parents should be feeling.
Thank you for caring for the bereaved parents to read this information.